A few months ago I took Arianna to her first dance class. It was fascinating watching the little ones meet for the first time. One girl would come up and ask her a question like. “What’s YOUR name?” She’d answer “Arianna. How old are YOU?” “I’m almost four.” “Where do you live?” There was a long pause…”I don’t know!” Her concept of geography leaves something to be desired at this point.
As adults we might not be so bold to ask our age or address as the first questions when we meet someone. Often times people are even afraid to ask someone’s name. Why? Asking questions with genuine interest is so powerful. It can make you a new friend within minutes, solve a problem at work, help make a good decision, radically change a relationship, or any number of other positive outcomes.
Kids are the kings of question asking. The most common word for children age 3-5 (besides “no”) is “Why?”. We should take a lesson from them.
RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS
One of my favorite questions to ask people I’ve just met is “What do you do for fun?” or “What are you passionate about?” I believe this question is more important than asking about their job, where they’re from, etc. It gets immediately to the heart of what they value and who they are. I’m surprised at how often people can’t even answer the question. For many it’s been so long since they’ve had fun that they don’t even know. Work is important…but needs to be balanced with rest and relaxation so that you have the energy and creativity to do a good job and be productive.
Here’s one powerful question you can ask your significant other on a regular basis. “Honey, what can I do for you that would make your day?” (You can leave the word “honey” out if you like. “Sweetums”, “sugar plum”, or “baby cakes” may be acceptable alternatives depending on your mood.)
A second powerful question to improve relationships is this: “On a scale from 1-10 where do you see our relationship?” Follow up with “What would it take to make it a 10?” For married couples, the answer to this question is a built-in marriage manual that comes straight from your spouse.
LIFE QUESTIONS
My daughter recently asked a powerful question: “What are we going to do GREAT today?” You can ask yourself that one every day. The answer should be something great. At the end of the day, if you’ve done at least one great thing, then it was worth living.
When people ages 65 and older were asked, “What would you do differently if you could live your life over?” the top three responses were: (1) Stop and take time to ask the big questions (2) Take more risks in work and love and (3) Live life with a purpose and make a difference.
You don’t have to wait until your 65 to ask yourself this question. What can you do TODAY to live with purpose and make a difference?
Nearly everyone wishes they could win the lottery. Here’s a question to add perspective to that wish “How would you live your life today if you had a million dollars?” Think about it. What would you change? Maybe you’d get a bigger house, a boat, a lake cabin, or take a trip…but after the initial buying spree is done…what would you do differently? For most people, I think the real important changes they ‘d make may not really require the money. So the follow up question is: “What is stopping you from doing that today?”
LEARNING AND GROWING QUESTIONS
I heard a story about a little girl who was watching her mom make a roast beef. Her mother cut off the ends, wrapped it in string, seasoned it, and set it in the roasting pan. The girl asked her mom why she cut off the ends of the roast. Her mother replied “That’s the way my mother had always done it.”
That night grandma came to dinner and the little girl asked her why she had cut the end off of the roast. After some thought grandma answered “That’s the way my mother had always done it.”
The girl’s great grandmother was quite old and lived in a nursing home. The girl went to see her and again asked the question. Grandma looked a bit annoyed and said, “Why so it would fit in the pan, of course!”
We can learn from this story that, like the little girl, we need to ask the right questions. Why do we do things? Is it just tradition? Is it the way we’ve ALWAYS done things? Maybe it’s time for a change.
I propose that we ask the following questions of ourselves when we plan to ask questions for the purpose of learning:
1. WHAT are you asking? Is it addressing the major issues of your life? Is it an open ended question that provides you with actionable information? Is it not a yes/no dead end question?
2. WHO are you asking? Is the person respected, trusted, and intelligent? Do they have some experience, talent, or expertise that you don’t have?
3. WHY are you asking? Do you really want to know the answer? Are you asking with a sincere heart?
4. WHEN are you asking? Is it a good time for the other person to answer? Are you in the right environment?
5. HOW are you asking? Are you asking a question in e-mail or over that phone that is better to ask in person?
Try asking someone you trust this question: “Is there any advice you can give me that would improve my life 100%?” Maybe you’ll be surprised at the answer you get…just for asking.
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